the inmate's journal : the academy iii

Dr. Hite 

 

To decide whether or not I should apply to Knickerloo, I decided to consult the Devil.  After all, Jesus, with his turn-the-other-cheek and if-you-even-lust-in-your-heart-you’re-fucked could only be regression and suicide … but the Devil, offering plump fruit and the fresh sting of nudity—surely he was the true son of God.  He was the one who had inherited the earth after God died, the true provost of dreams.  I found him in his office in the basement of the American consulate in Oaxaca City.

 

What can I do for you today? the Devil asked.

 

I understand you’re in charge of dreams, madness, and knowledge.

 

I was in my prime, but a troupe of French poets wrested them away from me in the nineteenth century.

 

But you still know something about them, don’t you?

 

I know there’s not much difference between them.  The Devil paused to pour himself a coffee and quietly weep.  Or there wasn’t.  Now dreams and madness are subdivisions of psychotherapy and knowledge belongs to anyone with Internet access … I don’t know how your species expects to evolve with that kind of setup.

 

I think it has something to do with democracy.

 

That’s what I hear.

 

You’re not involved these days?

 

Lately I’ve been sitting around advising the poor how to get into the U.S.

 

Isn’t that Jesus’ domain?

 

Jude, your theological training’s out-of-date; the divisions have blurred; for the last century or so I’ve had to take whatever work I can get.

 

I didn’t realize things were that bad.

 

Oh they’re worse; yesterday I had to fill in for Jesus on one of his Starbucks shifts.  Anyway, I’m sure you’re not here to discuss me.  Do you need American citizenship?  My usual price is a bottle of Booker’s bourbon and ten Montecristo No. 4s.

 

I actually just need your advice on whether to apply for a university faculty post.

 

Do you have a Ph.D.?

 

No, but I have an undergrad and two graduate degrees.  I also have a great deal of experience.

 

Doesn’t matter.  I applied to Cornell with four undergrads, five Master’s, and twenty-five centuries of experience.  They told me I should try Microsoft.

 

That’s depressing.

 

It was good advice.  Microsoft’s in charge of knowledge these days.  I spent two years there working on the Xbox 360 interface.  Happiest days of my life.

 

I don’t know what to do Satan.  I’m on this quest to find where dreams and madness have gone since God died.  I’ve looked in religion and business but I just don’t think I’ve found them yet.

 

Have you tried cocaine?

 

You’re not much help.

 

And you thought you might find them in the university?

 

I’ve had it, I’ve looked almost everywhere.

 

Well, I still am owed a few favors.  Fine.  Give Dr. Dalwhinnie at Kilchoman U. a call, tell him we talked.

 

Thanks Satan, I really appreciate it.  Do I have to give you my soul or anything?

 

No, no, I don’t believe in that stuff anymore.  But give Dalwhinnie a hug for me.  Oh, and tell him the Yankees would have lost in ’64 even if he hadn’t run over his wife.