the inmate's journal : the academy vi

Yet they obviously did!  Dr. Rizi Bull-Poderbot, full of ideologies, would drop by my office saying, I’m about to go to a conference in Houston and present a paper I just finished on how wearable computers are making the world a better place, how cultural reality is being augmented by grafting technology onto our bodies and our autobiographical selves are being emancipated into social semiotics interfaces that are beginning to transcend conceptual intertextuality.

 

And Dr. Min Briar, one of the planet’s more timid people, would slip notes under my door—

 

Dear Mr. Peer,

 

I hope the day is proceeding most fortuitously for you, as I hope it is for all of us.

 

Just wanted to drop you a note to let you know a recent insight I had about the culture of electronic mail.  I have recently been observing that it is conducive to spontaneous impulses that may not always be the most becoming on their senders and that as professionals it would be most prudent for all of us to always allow our emotions to lose any state of agitation and our perspectives to regain any reasonable faculties they might have lost prior to hitting that “Send” button.

 

Trusting that the good pleasure of a response will be mine before too long.

 

Sincerest regards,

 

Dr. Min Briar

 

And the unfailingly enthusiastic Dr. Queenie Oam would say, Oh what a lovely day and … oh my Jude aren’t you just firm and bulging in those bike shorts … oh my!  Don’t you think it’s so marvelous what’s happening in interdisciplinary studies!  I really feel as if a new day is dawning, such an air of collegiality and your getting your Ph.D. … oh with your long legs nothing will be able to stop you … the age of knowledge! It’s here! We’re in it! Oh! The time! What’s the time? 11:02!  Oh my!  My students are waiting for me! I’ve so enjoyed talking with you. Ta-ta!

 

And the surreptitious and glacial Dr. IdI Floss would peer around my door until I noticed her.  Jude.  Something terrible has happened.  The West Chester Post-Semantic Quarterly has changed their bibliographical requirements.  I’ll simply have to resubmit my article.  That shall take years.

 

Not everyone in my department was so devoted to knowledge’s swift pursuits, however.  The chair of the department, Dr. Dugo Hite, of indeterminate gender, of mute disposition, would wander into my office, drink a bottle of my Scotch, and fall asleep on my couch.  And Dr. Evita Rums, Dr. Hite’s associate, would pass by, muttering invectives—

 

Jude, up to nothing as usual I see.

Keep up the useless scholarship.

Why don’t you go seduce a student and do something productive.

If you think you’re going to get tenure, you’re stupider than you dress.

 

While I had specialized in communication while working at New Bank, being plunked into a department of academics who specialized in analyzing and teaching it was an entirely different beast.  My colleagues were all English Ph.D.s who had studied James and Proust and other stuffy boys, then ended up teaching the art of business memos the rest of their lives.  I had been hired because they lacked anyone with actual experience.  As the token outsider, I was both a desirable commodity (Oh yes, we have extensive business experience represented on faculty) and something to revile (Well, Mr. Peer you know, he doesn’t really understand what it means to be a member of the professoriate, he doesn’t have his, you know, his … his Ph.D.)  Faculty meetings went something like this—

 

Dr. O’Deal	The comma.  No one understands the comma anymore, let alone knows how to use it properly.  Gone are the days when the comma was a tool of beauty and the business writer a towering punctuation artist.  Gone, gone …
Dr. Rums	Our testing tools are inadequate.  The research Dr. Woefield did recently was striking.  Thank you Dr. Woefield.  Would you like to share your findings?
Dr. Woefield	Yes.  Thank you Dr. Rums.  We distributed 2,479 surveys to our students and received 17 of them back.  Of these, 25% were intelligible.
Dr. Floss	May I point out that 25% of 17 is not an integer.
Dr. Woefield	Good point Dr. Floss.  Thank you for this insight.  Of the received and intelligible surveys, taking into account Dr. Floss’ insight without allowing it to detract from the results, we concluded, accepting the usual caveats and non sequiturs, that student valuation of the comma is not high, slightly lower, in fact, than broccoli.  Understanding is less.
Dr. Oam	I love research, oh how I love research.  These are fascinating results Dr. Woefield.  Thank you so much for sharing.
Dr. Hite	Whiskey.
Dr. Bull-Poderbot	Independently, with Dr. Oam’s assistance, thank you Dr. Oam, I did a thorough analysis of our testing and examination content over the past 10 years.  Only 2.4% of our testing dealt with the comma directly and only 3.7% indirectly.  Of the direct testing, 85.7% of the students scored poorly or very poorly; the indirect testing was marginally better.  The overall situation of course has gradually deteriorated over the decade.
Dr. O’Deal	I simply am unable to comprehend how our society can function in such a state.  Jude.  You were in business once?
Me	Yes.
Dr. O’Deal	How does business survive?
Me	Without the comma?
Dr. O’Deal	Without the comma.  Yes.  Without the comma.  It’s egregious.
Me	Well, they use the comma.
Dr. O’Deal	They?
Me	Uh.  Business.  The comma’s used in business.
Dr. O’Deal	But surely not correctly.
Me	Well, you know, some of the time, actually maybe most of the time it’s more or less right.
Dr. O’Deal	More or less!  And the rest of the time?
Me	It’s not as important as it used to be.  People these days tend not to get too excited by the comma.
Dr. Hite	Whiskey.
Dr. O’Deal	Mr. Peer.  Are you calling me excited?
Me	I understand that may have been the inference and I’m sorry if it was, but I’m pretty sure I’d never accuse you of being excited.
Dr. O’Deal	What then, Mr. Peer, would you accuse me of?
Me	I’m not sure I’d accuse you of anything.  I’m really just trying to say that business isn’t primarily about the comma or even for that matter about punctuation or grammar.  It has something to do with language and meaning I suppose but even language and meaning are only part of the mix.
Dr. Rums	This is outrageous.
Me	It’s not that I think we shouldn’t teach the comma; it’s just that I think we should treat it more flexibly.  You know, put it in its place.
Dr. O’Deal	That’s the whole idea.  The comma needs to be in its proper place.  And if it’s not in its proper place, it shouldn’t be there at all.
Dr. Oam	Oh dear.  We’re running out of time.  You know how time is!  Time, time, time!
Dr. O’Deal	This issue simply can’t be ignored any longer.  We ourselves … this department … shoulders the responsibility of training our young people to communicate and by communicating I mean communicating well.  The comma, as the primary symbol of separation, is integral to the stability of social order.  Without it … anarchy.  Without it … moral weaklings and empty lives.  Shall the next generation do nothing but play videogames?
Dr. Floss	May I suggest a taskforce.
Dr. O’Deal	Who would be on it?  You again?  You’re on everything.
Dr. Oam	Dr. O’Deal and Mr. Peer have such a dynamic energy between them.  I recommend them.  Collaboration is so thrilling.  It’s the future.
Dr. Woefield	Excellent.  I cannot agree more fully.
Dr. Rums	I’d like to make a motion that Dr. O’Deal and Mr. Peer form a taskforce to examine the use and abuse of the comma in business, establishing pedagogical and research recommendations for our department in light of their examination and in alignment with the historic values of the university and the integrity of the English language.  Shall we vote.  23 to 2 in favor.  The taskforce shall report back to Faculty Council in a year.