becoming suicided vii

he spends his last few years on a mat in a rooming house until the money runs out and at 91 finds himself homeless. lying in an abandoned parking lot, hungry, dirty, indifferent to the urine, the attention of dogs, he reaches in his hourless degradations a kind of calm. days disappear like suns in suns, the dogs licking his pants are the caresses of lovers.

i am here, he mutters to the filthy sun. i am becoming suicided. what a very long and thankless vocation it’s been. and yet. yet i have done it. we have. it has been done. full of surprises really. in a deeply authentic sense all my objectives have been achieved. can’t complain. was it ritualistic though? absolutely. it’s the new ritual – hidden, fragmented, failed, long, wholly bound with existence. but i should have crawled into the internet, joined the singularity movement, become a bluetooth device – is that the new ritual, have i misinterpreted the future? no … the future’s plural. but is the singularity plural? i’m getting stuck, stuck in things that don’t matter, and i’d have to say, from the center of everything i’ve ever been and not been and might be … even if i’ve misinterpreted everything. my life’s been astounding – i’ve become suicided again and again, each day, once and many times … and now … this final becoming, this becoming finality is hardly final but just another thought in a carousel of thoughts among infinite carousels. becoming suicided is below, around, above, and in all these transient things like seppuku, bluetooth, guns. it is the constant, the dao in the pineapple, the ocean that’s the droplet that’s the ocean. i’m an inventor of new things, i have walked new ways. i have gone around like humanity will go around and has gone around and is around. i probably won’t even be discovered here. suicide is gross, archaic, reductionistic    but becoming suicided is a ritual. the ritual    the ritual called life      the dogs will be happy for a few days    the dogs are watching   i will have contributed originally to the development of the great spirit     great spirits i am becoming     i have become       thank you everyone it’s been a team effort we were all in it together      collaboration       the new                                  all of us          the new dead                       this becoming